New CBS Morning Show Starring Roseanne Barr Will Battle “The View” For Ratings

The official word has come in. Roseanne Barr won’t be doing another sitcom. She will, instead, form a panel for a show modeled after “The View” with a conservative twist.

The new show, as yet nameless, will run in the same daytime hour as the Whoopi Goldberg version on ABC. CBS executive Joe Barron says the network is happy to have someone of Roseanne’s caliber for the new project.

“There’s an entire market of cable-watching baby boomers who want simple, easy-to-digest television for their retirement. Rupert is onto something here. As the rest of cable television struggles, Fox gets stronger. As everyone switches to streaming, Fox’s viewers refuse. They own archaic entertainment for the next decade, and we want in.”

There’s no word yet as to who Roseanne might want on her show, but she definitely won’t limit it to females. “I’m not a sexist like Whoopi,” she said, “I like a little sausage with my breakfast.”

Classy as ever, Roseanne plans to bring her unique brand of entertainment into your living rooms, but this time with a special dose of crass ignorance her true fans have grown to adore.

“We’re hoping for 5 million viewers per day,” said Barron, “which sounds like a lot but it’s only twice what The View gets and everyone knows nobody even watches that show.”

We pray this is true, and the last Roseanne story for a while, patriots, but we all know that’s probably a little bit unrealistic. Anyway, God Bless America.